There's something about mystical works of fiction that just don't strike my fancy. In other words, I don't give a rat's ass about the Harry Potter film library and I don't give a rat's ass about the multi billion dollar Hobbit film that is soon to hit theaters. Where is Smaug and why is it being desolated? And what exactly is a friggin Hobbit any way? I've tried reading Tolkien and it didn't go well. I got through a few pages and I surrendered. But then again, the Lord Of The Rings franchise made a half a billion dollars in total receipts without any of my money going into the LOTR kitty so I guess that Hollywood doesn't give a rat's ass if I give a rat's ass about this particular franchise or its Hobbit franchise off spring.
Maybe someday I'll be sitting on my ass at home wrestling with my angst when the LOTR and Hobbit films will magically strike a chord with me. It happened with Star Wars. Once upon a time I didn't give a rat's ass about Star Wars and now I have one of the combo anniversary limited edition blue ray packs that George Lucas dangles in front of people like water in the desert. Maybe I'm destined to be on the outside looking in when it comes to certain aspects of pop culture. I don't want to see amateurs making fools of themselves on American Idol and I have no interest in hearing the kids on Glee singing other people's tunes. I want the simple things in my life. I want dark indie films that don't compromise and directors that don't butcher the books I love when they become films. I want a woman who is uncomplicated and I want to not act out of need. I don't want hobbits and midgets and British thespians in full beards being tied into a Denny's grand slam meal. I just want to watch dark indie films and write the great American novel so I can make lots of money. Then eventually I'll turn into an even more insufferable sack of crap and some woman will come along and steal all of my wealth. And then maybe I'll spend my last ten bucks on a Netflix subscription and maybe, just maybe, I'll finally understand why people stand in line for two weeks in full Gandolph regalia to watch an overblown CGI fest like The Hobbit. Right before I have my grabber or I get a hit by a bus or my potential wife to be slips a foreign toxin into my coffee, I'll finish one book in JRR Tolkiens epic medieval opera. Then I'll travel to this mystical land of Smaug and one of the liberals will bring their row boat and their film crew along as we try to rebuild the joint. I will install Wi Fi throughout this land known as Smaug and I will teach the hobbits how to get health care through the Obama backed insurance site. And then the Hobbits will find out that there existing insurance has been canceled and I'll be exiled back to the states. Resist Tyranny!!! Toot!!! Toot!!!
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