Father's Day,,,,, Nyeh....

  I wish I could tell you that I'm sitting in  a darkened corner bemoaning the loss of my father on father's day but I'm not.  Remember when Red crossed the border in The Shawshank Redemption as a free man?  That's the feeling that I had when my dad passed.  Not that I hated the man....  well..... maybe.... kinda.... sorta.... I don't know.   It's kind of like that scene in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein where Frankstein stumbles onto the ship and hears the echo of the beast in the distance.  I know that my dad is somewhere bitching about something in some sub division of the afterlife but every once in awhile I hear the echo of the monster beneath the fog that is sometimes known as my adult life.  In my mind, the best thing that I can do is to NOT become like my father.   So here's hoping that when or if I get married, I don't make my mate's life a living hell the way my dad made my mom's life a living hell.  Hopefully, when or if I get married, I will be more communicative and not walk around the house in my underwear with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.  As I'm prone to do I'm looking on the bright side on Father's Day, this day of ambivalence and leisure.  Since I'm a writer or more to the point, TRYING to be a writer, I have my father's collection of self esteem crushing moments in my head.  All I need to do is bring them out of the archives.  Thank you for telling me that the college diploma I had just earned wasn't worth shit and thank you for asking the one person I had a deep and meaningful connection with why she was with me.  Thank you poppa.  Thank you for telling me to go all color purple on the live of my life if she got "mouthy."  I never hot her pop and I never quote on quote "put her in line."  I never did what you told me to do poppa because I'm not you and I never will be.  Happy Father's day my albatross, I'm happy to say that I am nothing like you.  At.  All.