I see these crime stories on the news all the time. You know the ones. They usually feature the parent who is trying to explain how the life that they led into the world turned out to be a sociopathic killer with bad wiring. Maybe that's the reason I can't see myself ever being a father; the idea that I'll take a long look at my potential offspring one day and realize that I gave life to something broken. And it's not like I can take my potential offspring back to Sears if they're defective. If only there was a system where you can run your offspring back to the store and have the option of getting a store credit or a gift card upon their return. Here mister or misses sales clerk, I'm here to return junior because he's a hopelessly fucked up idiot. Store credit is fine since I don't have my receipt.
I know for certain that if I ever did have a kid, I'd raise them with the same values that my mom did. One of those values was honesty. My mother's parenting style was based on improv but the fact that she spoke from the hip grounded me going forward. My mother's favorite saying was "if I have it, you'll have it. If I don't have it...." She didn't even have to finish the sentence after awhile, I knew exactly where she was coming from. Her most famous act of parenting was on bill day. There'd always be two piles, one for the bills and one for the income she had just received. She'd point at the bill pile and tell us in a matter of fact manner that it was either going to be a good month or a tight month.
The point is, I know I don't have the patience to raise a kid. That fact I don't dispute in the slightest. Although, strangely enough, I've managed to have a dog and a few cats and they've lived semi long lives. My latest cat just got a clean bill of health from the vet and seems to be doing OK under my watch. No no, raising animals and kids aren't the same. I'm trying to toot my own non parental parental horn. In all honest, if my ex,AKA my one true love, were still in the picture, I'd at least kick the tires on being a father. Maybe that's the answer. Maybe I'll be more reticent to have a kid when I meet up with some nurturing woman who balances out my need to grab a bottle of aspirin and ear plugs every time a kid comes in my general direction. My ex had a gift with children, she seemed to speak their language. She was the proverbial kid whisperer I guess. Nah, I can't have a kid. I'd blame myself if the kid was fucked up and I spend hours and hours analyzing what the hell went wrong. Nah, my greatest fear is becoming everything, parent wise, that my father was. I still remember the day I graduated college. I thought, this is the moment; the moment when even this emotionally unavailable sack of crap can't possibly shoot daggers at me on one of my more prouder days. Dad looked at me and said "good, now take that paper they gave you and try to get a job earning more than minimum wage." Thank you dad. I'm afraid to fail and I surround myself in walls and I over analyze things to the point of distraction but thankfully, I'm nothing like you.
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