So I’m sitting there watching TV when I see an obviously stereotypical ad that McDonalds is running to get people to eat their burgers. Apparently, McDonalds has come up with a novel idea to reinvent the famed quarter pounder sandwich. Now the QPD comes in three distinct varieties. One has bacon on it and one has Chipotle sauce or whatever the else kind of sauce seems to be on burgers being rebooted these days. I went into a Burger King the other day and someone held up the line to order a grilled fish sandwich from Alaska. Or maybe the fisherman found the fish in Alaska and raised it a vegan before it sacrificed itself to the calorie conscious masses. Who knows? The point is, why does it matter if McDonalds and Burger King class up the menu for the sake of the health conscious. Isn’t that what Burger King and McDonald deal in, comfort food? I still have fond memories of being on a bender with my ex and us finding our way to the nearest Golden Arch for a Big Mac or two. And it wasn’t a tofu Big Mac with ranchero sauce or Chipotle sauce and it wasn’t trucked in from an organic mountain someplace. It was just a Big Mac. It was just a piece of meat on a bun with sauce and cheese and it tasted damn good going down with a coca cola and some of those McDonalds fries. If I want an emphasis on all things vapid and self involved and mass produced, I go to Starbucks. These days, when I go into a McDonalds, it’s hard to tell the difference. I want my roll up menu boards back. I want my regular quarter pounder and I want my double quarter pounder without having to look at a friggin calorie index. That’s why I go to McDonalds and or Burger King, to get away from the health Nazi’s who are constantly telling me that every good tasting thing that I put into my body will eventually kill me. Never mind all of the health nuts who purify their bodies and then drop dead on a running lane because of a…. (Wait for it) DING DING DING!!! A heart attack!!! Michelle Obama, fuck off. Fuck off and leave my fast food joints alone. Fuck off all of you people who want to eat gluten free pizza or pizza with mozzarella that was blessed by Buddha or whatever the fuck else. Fuck off all you health nuts and leave me alone while I eat my greasy NYC style pizza from my neighborhood pizzeria with the sticky porno floors and all the ambiance of a crack house. Fuck heart healthy and fuck everyone who panics about their kids eating crap. You want to help your kids? Fine. Then do yourself a favor and join me in a chorus of Michelle Obama will you please shut the fuck up and stop telling America’s kids what to eat. The reaper isn’t lurking beyond the corner with a sickle every time someone takes a bit of a hamburger or a slice of pizza. When your time is up, your time is up. It doesn’t matter if you eat granola or tofu or you eat steak religiously. Kids need to learn moderation. Just like I learned, when I was oh fifteen or sixteen, that those second or fourth helpings don’t really help you in the long run. We need to teach kids a sense of moderation but we don’t need Michelle Obama running around with a bullhorn screaming at every kid like their Private Pyle in “Full Metal Jacket” about the jelly donut that they stuck for themselves. Oh it’s my turn in line…. “Double Quarter pounder with cheese extra value meal and um…. Tell Michelle Obama and the rest of the food Nazi’s to kiss my ass.” Resist Tyranny!!! Toot!!! Toot!!!
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