So it’s almost four and I’m sitting here at the desk and the worlds asleep while I’m awake doing some job that makes me feel like an even bigger failure than normal. The self pity is funny ha ha, don’t be alarmed ladies and gentlemen. And in the midst of a day where I’ve slept very little and I’ve been partially consumed by Sylvia Plath like darkness (insert oven jokes here) I’m thinking about the state of my life and the women who have passed through it at various turns and I’m feeling all Alanis Morissette like (turns on “Unsent” on You Tube.)
To Meg…….The little brunette fire cracker with the deposition of Begby In “Trainspotting.” I say that with love because you actually kicked a guy in the nuts for whistling at you. I was there, don’t deny it. Where the hell did we go wrong? Where the hell did it all fall off the tracks for us? It’s hard to feel a glimmer of spark for someone who’s betrayed you but maybe my stubbornness will dissipate someday and we can have our ever after or something close to it. But alas, I still can’t trust you after you took my heart and launched it like Ron Burgundy’s dog in Anchorman. I know Meg…. Megan if you will…. I make too many film references. It’s why you ended up with me in the first place. My door is open if you want to try again….. maybe…..
To L….. Well… the sex was worth it. And I guess we loved each other in our own way. To many ghosts and to many insecurities on my end. You were right though, I’m a slug living below my potential. I don’t if I’ll ever be alright but I’m getting there. And I promise to never call you Lourdes in anger. That was cruel I know. But look on the bright side, I set you free to date someone in a higher tax bracket and that’s where you belong. So… try not to drive the new man in your life as crazy as you drove me. And if he’s bad to you in anyway…. I’ll kill him.
To Jules…..Thanks for being the bridge between the greatest love of my life and self medicating despair. And thanks for not badgering about my lack of ambition or all of the time I’ve wasted the past decade or so. Thanks for sharing silences and simply “shutting the fuck up” and thanks for understanding the mess that is me. God damn it, why do you have to be a lesbian? Ugh. I know, shut up Danny. May you find your princess and may she give you your happily ever after. Just, please…. Do me a favor? Make sure the house is void of furniture before you cheat on her. (Throws hands up in self defense) I’m just saying…. And oh yeah, I’ll never tell anyone that your full name is Juliette. Mums the word.
To Catherine….. I’m living….. I mean, that’s what you asked. So I’m living… kind of. Somedays are filled with self doubt and delusions of what I probably won’t become but it’s a process. I promise…. no more sad Sarah McLachlan tunes and no more putting you on a pedestal. I know I know, you’re afraid of heights. I promise not to over idealize you and to write about you objectively when I go back to our past for source material. And I promise to try and love my fellow humans, even though I don’t understand 99.9 percent of them and I’d rather be left the hell alone but that’s beside the point. Where ever you are, I hope that you’re skating and living life. And I hope you take the compliments when people say you’re beautiful because you always were; inside and out.
To Robin…… I have no words to express my gratitude. Thanks for sticking with a hot mess like me for all of these years. Keep tuning out the static and keep being who you are. BTW…. You’re not as awful as you think you are and that has extra meaning because it’s coming from a man with a self esteem meter in the basement. You speak my language and you get me and you’re perfect and God damn it, you’re so married. Ugh, I hate my luck.
To Lefki……. Keep kicking, keep reaching for the surface. The world needs more people like you, believe me. Here’s to you, my fellow traveler in grief and here’s to you my dearest friend. When we both see God or whatever is up there, we’ll both tell he/she to stop dropping safes on our collective heads. You have much to offer this life my friend, never forget that. Thank you for making many dreary days in a shitty place a lot brighter.
Yours,
The ever elusive ever after
1 comment:
thanks for sharing your adventures
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