What was it about that girl? Ah, that question. Asked by so many over the years. I don't know.... sometimes you stumble upon the one person who can love you for better or for worse. Sometimes... you stumble upon that one person that just fits you best. You were it Kat. I can see you now... rolling your eyes, a half smile half smirk on your face. You hated the shortening of your given name and I enjoyed pushing your buttons. I'm calling you Kat (short for Catherine) because I'm mad at you now. I'm mad at you for not listening to me... (you never did.) I'm mad at you for never believing me when I told you that you weren't as fucked up as you always thought you were. I'm mad at you for not believing me when I told you were beautiful and for making me so angry when I found out that were actually capable of lying to me. I'm mad at you for not knowing your limitations, for being in a place you shouldn't have been. I'm mad at you for depriving me of our phone calls, for depriving me of hearing your voice on my worst days. I'm mad at you for depriving me of your hugs. I'm mad at you for taking away any chance of me holding you again. And here I thought I would be the one to self destruct into oblivion. Remember the bridge? Remember those dark thoughts of swallowing mood pills like M and M's? It was your fault, being who you were. It was only inevitable that I fell in love with you to the point of absolute tunnel vision. I told I loved you, you ran, I went crazy. Again.... drumroll.... you never listened to me. Not when I told you were beautiful, not even when I explained in almost painful detail WHY I loved you for the umpteenth time. I'm mad at you for all the Christmases you're going to miss (that was always YOUR holiday). But with a smile and a squeeze you could always make it bearable, even for a cynic like me. I'm seeing you now..... stopping to look at every light on the mag mile, studying every inch of the Christmas tree in Daley Plaza. Each season that we were together, I would fall in love with you all over again and I'd feel complete to the point of sheer dread. I never told you but I was always afraid you'd wake up one day and come to your senses. We were supposed to grow old together Kat. We're supposed to be sitting in a bar someplace talking about where we've been and where we're going. I'm supposed to be asking you to marry me for the umpteenth time and you, on cue, are supposed to run towards the sanctity of the left coast. I miss your affinity for nicotine (didn't anyone ever teach you how to empty an ashtray?) I miss your glasses left on the table and all of your forms of general chaos and disorder. To think, I always griped about the general apathy you showed towards any and all forms of Housekeeping and now..... I would give anything for one more stupid fight about that or the men you chose after we ceased being a couple. I miss not being able to stay mad at you. You could always break my resistance with your "innocent" voice. So here's to you Catherine..... Damn, you did it again. Catherine.... the menthol smoking gal with the deep aversion to anything resembling a skirt. Catherine.... the two week artist. Catherine..... the graceful athlete. (I'm sorry I told you that I could skate.) Here's to you Catherine. Catherine....my lover and my friend...... (you ended it by the way... actually you ended it numerous times.....surprise surprise) Thank you for fifteen years and thank you for inspiring all of that fiction that nobody wants. Thanks for loving an old square like me.
Yours Forever:
Danial Alexander Ramirez
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